Running

You know how when you just start running again and all you want to do is fall to the ground or hope to god you turn an ankle if it means you get to stop.  Neither do I.  But really, its been hard.  I started last friday and I am planning on running Monday, Wednesday, Friday for an hour.  I am not really running for the full hour.  I walk for 5 minutes then run for 5 minutes.  I get a great workout from doing this because I am going up an down hills. I feel good about myself when I finish no matter how hot and sweaty I am.  Lets hope this weather becomes less unpredictable.

Luna, the baby

So my mom got a dog, actually its a puppy; a husky-lab mix.  Her name is Luna.  She is adorable, but really needy.  I was hesitant to accept this dog into my house for one thing because my mom works a lot and the puppy is 10 weeks old and I did not want to end up taking care of it all the time. Another thing was I didn't really want a dog and my mom kind of just told me we were getting one.  My mom has this thing she does where she just tells me what she is doing, kind of like what I do to her.  I tell her what my plans are instead of asking what she thinks about them because I feel she always judges what ever I am doing.  But thats what moms are good for.  To judge and criticize and tell us what the right thing to do is no matter how wrong it is for us. Anyway I find myself getting mad at her when she decides to just leave this puppy in the crate.  This is her solution for when she wants to go out and do something.  Oh just put her in the crate and she'll be fine.  I don't think she realizes that life will not be the same until the puppy gets much older.  She can't do the things she did when she didn't have any responsibility.  She thinks that keeping the puppy in the crate for hours is good?  She thinks she can work and still take care of this puppy?  You have to look at this puppy as a baby.  Would you leave your 10 week old baby alone for hours in its crib?  I just don't understand why she got it.  She says she just wanted a puppy, but is that the practical choice?  Oh no! I'm becoming just like her.  She would say the same thing to me.  Its only been a week or so, so we will see what becomes of this situation.

Explanations

How do you explain the unexplainable?  How do you make sense of the nonsensical? Sometimes words just aren't enough.  Sometimes an electric inkling is all the explanation you need.  How do you coax an explanation out of someone who hasn't even made sense of something they have done? Do you help them make sense of it, or just be someone for them to talk with to work it out themselves.  It is truly sad when someone is in denial of their true feelings that they just pretend like everything is okay.  I may not know why I feel the way I feel, but I am not pretending like everything is okay because I know it is not.  I know I have 7 year old issues I need to work out.  It feels like everything I do is one-sided.  Both parties need to put in collaborative effort.  It seems all I have been doing is seeing this as a non-issue but it has changed my life for the worse.  Where ever I go, whatever I do, however I act,  I can trace it back to tragedies in my life.  How can you make sense of something that doesn't make sense to the person who committed the act.  How do you explain the unexplainable?

Explanations;  they loom over your head like a rain cloud waiting for the slightest change in atmospheric pressure to explode.  It seems like your whole world is falling to shit, like there is no escape, and you are left to drown in your misery.  You accept no help from those who love you because you feel you are lost forever.  There is no hope.  How do you explain the unexplainable when all you want to do is disconnect from the world because it hurts to much to think about what has happened and too scary to think about what will be.  Instead you stay in your bubble, stay safe inside where no one can hurt you, no one can stop being your friend for no reason, no one can leave you without cause.  Being by yourself is better than being around people because you can always count on yourself.  No matter what you do, you are comfortable in your house, in your room, void from reality and life choices because all you want to do or have to do is right there within yourself.  Sure, its easier to do these things, but you simply aren't living.  What is a life if not a passion for the present, an eagerness for the future and a happiness within yourself.  Why then do we dwell in the past?  It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself all the time. Pathetic.  Oh I watched television for 6 hours today and only went outside to get the mail.  Oh I was on my computer the whole day. Oh I ate that whole batch of brownies I baked.  Oh I didn't exercise today.  Oh I didn't do the simple task my mom asked me to do.  Its so easy to feel sorry for yourself when all you are is sorry, when all you are is just being, when all you are is alive.  What are the positives that you can take out of each day?  What do you want to do to live?  What do you want to do to make yourself feel better?  These are questions that need to be asked each day.  What do you want to do for yourself?  You know baking makes you feel good, you know singing makes you feel good, you know dancing makes you feel good, you know writing makes you feel good, you know taking pictures makes you feel good.  Now what are you going to do about these things?  Try and do at least one of these each day.  If you really love doing something it shouldn't take much effort, it should flow, it should be fun, it should make you happy.  It will be difficult to develop this attitude.  It will be a struggle.  But all struggles are well worth it.   No giving up, no self pity, no impetuous doubt. How do you explain the unexplainable?  By living.  Know that life is a journey and that it is constantly changing.  Be open to change, embrace it, love it, nurture it, and it will become second nature.  Evolve as life evolves.  Feel how you feel in the moment and don't worry about what has passed and what will be.  Be who you want to be and not who you think you should be.  How do you explain the unexplainable?  How do you make sense of the nonsensical?  Everyone should ask themselves these questions.

I went for a hike today at Steep Rock near Lake Waramaug.  It was really hard.  I have not exercised that intensely in a very long time.  My mom and I had a long talk last night about everything.  We always seem to end up in a therapy session, but it makes things clearer.  She brought up a very good point that I need to create a routine for the days I am not working, do something that I enjoy, take a class, be more productive.  I agree, again, it is easier for me to just stay at home, but I am done with easy.  I know life is hard and it gets worse before it gets better.  Exercising today was a great step towards a better me because I love hiking and I love embracing natures beauty and I know that exercising makes me feel better.  Here are some photos from my excursion:

What do you have a hard time explaining?

How do you find closure?

What do you do to make yourself feel better?

Tattoos

I have an obsession with tattoos like I have an obsession with food. You know what they say, once you get one your instantly hooked. It's like pretzels or french fries, you just can't have one.  After my first one I got 2 years ago I have been wanting to get more. So I decided today was the day. After much research ( of almost 4 hours) I have decided to go to this place in New Britain that takes walk-ins. It is where my friend kasey it hers done so I figured I would check it out. Impetuous. That is what my aunt said I am. 

This adjective describes me perfectly. If there is something I believe with all my heart or something I want to do with a burning passion I will impulsively act to do whatever it takes to get it done. For example, I wanted a job in the city and I got one (didn't take it on account I want to actually make money this summer), I wanted a new car and I got one, I wanted to sell my stuff and I did it, I wanted bangs so I cut them myself. You can say these things are halfhearted but trust me, I don't do things halfheartedly if I truly believe in them. Same goes for the tattoos I am going to get. I believe in self expression. I am working on not carin what anybody thinks and just working on my impetuous self. I see my impetuous self as a positive characteristic. It shows that I am passionate and that I do have feelings, strong feelings. 

Back to tattoos. I am obsessed. I'm pretty sure my Pinterest board of tattoos has the most pins on it.  But anyways here are the tats I am getting today:

It's an Enso symbol showing that life is an endless journey and the opening means that I am still finding myself and I haven't finished my journey.

A triangle or delta signifying constant change. I will put this on the inside of my right forearm. I need to remember that change is good and that no matter how hard I try I cannot change someone who wishes not to change.

X-XXX-MMVI

Roman numerals of a date that has changed my life for the better and worse.  I will have this one on my right shoulder to always remember what happened, what came of it and to always wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'm feeling excited! Maybe I will get impetuous on my wrist underneath the Enso symbol.

Also my birthday is next weekend and there is supposed to be a super moon. The moon will be the biggest and closest its been in a long time. I also want to get the moon cycles on my back with stylized waves above it and my birthday in Roman numerals underneath them both. 

VI-XXIII-MCMXCI

One more tattoo I will get will be a stylized camino shell on the inside of my right ankle with the date I finished the walk in Roman numerals. 

V-XII-MMXII

Can't wait!

My Relationship with Food

Waking up with the craving to eat the cookie dough in the fridge is not normal.  I know that.  Yet I still give in to the temptation and have a few spoonfuls.  Instant gratification, losing control, guilt, impatience all looming over my head as I close my eyes and swoosh around the wonderfully chewy, sugary, chocolate chip cookie dough in my mouth.  Nothing feels better as it goes in, yet feels horrible seconds after it enters my digestive system.  I anticipate the end result: stomach writhing in pain, expanding waist line, increasing hip size and am affirmed when these appear in a matter of minutes.  Why does it taste so good yet feel so bad?  Why do I enter this vicious cycle of self-loathing when I know exactly what will happen?  Instant gratification.  Escape.  Mindless living.  If life is good, why do I find the need to use food to escape?  What am I hiding from? Being hurt, being let down, fear of the unknown.  This woman seemed to read my thoughts exactly.

A life searching for answers is no life at all.  Accept each day for what it is and move forward.

Bang Bang! We beautiful and dirty rich...

Guess what? I got bangs!  Actually I cut my own bangs...  I have a habit of cutting my own hair and it usually turns out pretty good!

Not bad eh?  Writing on this rainy somber day has given me an excuse to do as little as possible. I chilled this morning, then went to Westport for an appointment with my therapist then drove all the way back to NM to meet with my dad and see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  WOW. This movie was ultra- awesome!  I love Chris Pine.  The comedy he brings to each character he portrays but also his passion and charisma is so great.  And the fact that he's not bad looking doesn't hurt either.  We're going out, he just doesn't know it yet.  There was so much action it was amazing! You all should definitely go see it.

I have been thinking a lot about effort and how much I put into what I am doing with my life and how much I am using to get "better".  I have no issues putting effort into school and work to do well, but when things get tough in activities that usually come easy to me, I just give up.  I seem to have lost my drive to do great things.  Where has it gone?  I know I had it in middle school and high school, but many things have gotten in the way and somehow it has taken flight.  I learned from my walk in spain that if I stick with it and put enough effort in I can complete any task I put my mind to.  Why can't I have that mind set in "real life?  I guess it is just easier to say I will just give up and figure it out, then waiting it out and putting my best effort in.  Also if my heart isn't fully committed, I will be less likely to stick with something.  This is a good way to weed out what I like to do and what I have to do.  I think I should do things I like to do right?

Anyway here are some bangs that I am digging!

happy rainy day!

Also I am thinking I want to bleach my hair...hmmm

What do you want to be when you grow up?

People I want to be like:
Ina garten- food, great ideas for saving time and good advice on how to cook food

Pioneer woman- pictures, food blog

Avant blargh- style

Mom- always work as hard as she does, 

Wendy- be open and always say how you feel

Anthony bourdain- travel, food, writing

Those who know who they are, what they want, and are comfortable financially, emotionally, sexually, physically

What I want to do:
something in fashion
take pictures?
buy clothes
eat food
write about food
travel
write about traveling
take pictures while traveling
travel and eat local food and take pictures
design clothes?
take pictures of clothes?

There are many things I want to do and many people I want to be like.  The most important thing is not changing who I am to be like someone else.  The key is to see people as role models.  Certain qualities and traits that can enhance my quality of life while still encompassing the essence of what it means to be me. And I am still trying to figure that out.  My whole life up to this moment has been the past and I shall waste no more time dwelling on it.  I will take each minute I am alive for what it is and accept those things I am unable to change.