Running

You know how when you just start running again and all you want to do is fall to the ground or hope to god you turn an ankle if it means you get to stop.  Neither do I.  But really, its been hard.  I started last friday and I am planning on running Monday, Wednesday, Friday for an hour.  I am not really running for the full hour.  I walk for 5 minutes then run for 5 minutes.  I get a great workout from doing this because I am going up an down hills. I feel good about myself when I finish no matter how hot and sweaty I am.  Lets hope this weather becomes less unpredictable.

Luna, the baby

So my mom got a dog, actually its a puppy; a husky-lab mix.  Her name is Luna.  She is adorable, but really needy.  I was hesitant to accept this dog into my house for one thing because my mom works a lot and the puppy is 10 weeks old and I did not want to end up taking care of it all the time. Another thing was I didn't really want a dog and my mom kind of just told me we were getting one.  My mom has this thing she does where she just tells me what she is doing, kind of like what I do to her.  I tell her what my plans are instead of asking what she thinks about them because I feel she always judges what ever I am doing.  But thats what moms are good for.  To judge and criticize and tell us what the right thing to do is no matter how wrong it is for us. Anyway I find myself getting mad at her when she decides to just leave this puppy in the crate.  This is her solution for when she wants to go out and do something.  Oh just put her in the crate and she'll be fine.  I don't think she realizes that life will not be the same until the puppy gets much older.  She can't do the things she did when she didn't have any responsibility.  She thinks that keeping the puppy in the crate for hours is good?  She thinks she can work and still take care of this puppy?  You have to look at this puppy as a baby.  Would you leave your 10 week old baby alone for hours in its crib?  I just don't understand why she got it.  She says she just wanted a puppy, but is that the practical choice?  Oh no! I'm becoming just like her.  She would say the same thing to me.  Its only been a week or so, so we will see what becomes of this situation.

Explanations

How do you explain the unexplainable?  How do you make sense of the nonsensical? Sometimes words just aren't enough.  Sometimes an electric inkling is all the explanation you need.  How do you coax an explanation out of someone who hasn't even made sense of something they have done? Do you help them make sense of it, or just be someone for them to talk with to work it out themselves.  It is truly sad when someone is in denial of their true feelings that they just pretend like everything is okay.  I may not know why I feel the way I feel, but I am not pretending like everything is okay because I know it is not.  I know I have 7 year old issues I need to work out.  It feels like everything I do is one-sided.  Both parties need to put in collaborative effort.  It seems all I have been doing is seeing this as a non-issue but it has changed my life for the worse.  Where ever I go, whatever I do, however I act,  I can trace it back to tragedies in my life.  How can you make sense of something that doesn't make sense to the person who committed the act.  How do you explain the unexplainable?

Explanations;  they loom over your head like a rain cloud waiting for the slightest change in atmospheric pressure to explode.  It seems like your whole world is falling to shit, like there is no escape, and you are left to drown in your misery.  You accept no help from those who love you because you feel you are lost forever.  There is no hope.  How do you explain the unexplainable when all you want to do is disconnect from the world because it hurts to much to think about what has happened and too scary to think about what will be.  Instead you stay in your bubble, stay safe inside where no one can hurt you, no one can stop being your friend for no reason, no one can leave you without cause.  Being by yourself is better than being around people because you can always count on yourself.  No matter what you do, you are comfortable in your house, in your room, void from reality and life choices because all you want to do or have to do is right there within yourself.  Sure, its easier to do these things, but you simply aren't living.  What is a life if not a passion for the present, an eagerness for the future and a happiness within yourself.  Why then do we dwell in the past?  It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself all the time. Pathetic.  Oh I watched television for 6 hours today and only went outside to get the mail.  Oh I was on my computer the whole day. Oh I ate that whole batch of brownies I baked.  Oh I didn't exercise today.  Oh I didn't do the simple task my mom asked me to do.  Its so easy to feel sorry for yourself when all you are is sorry, when all you are is just being, when all you are is alive.  What are the positives that you can take out of each day?  What do you want to do to live?  What do you want to do to make yourself feel better?  These are questions that need to be asked each day.  What do you want to do for yourself?  You know baking makes you feel good, you know singing makes you feel good, you know dancing makes you feel good, you know writing makes you feel good, you know taking pictures makes you feel good.  Now what are you going to do about these things?  Try and do at least one of these each day.  If you really love doing something it shouldn't take much effort, it should flow, it should be fun, it should make you happy.  It will be difficult to develop this attitude.  It will be a struggle.  But all struggles are well worth it.   No giving up, no self pity, no impetuous doubt. How do you explain the unexplainable?  By living.  Know that life is a journey and that it is constantly changing.  Be open to change, embrace it, love it, nurture it, and it will become second nature.  Evolve as life evolves.  Feel how you feel in the moment and don't worry about what has passed and what will be.  Be who you want to be and not who you think you should be.  How do you explain the unexplainable?  How do you make sense of the nonsensical?  Everyone should ask themselves these questions.

I went for a hike today at Steep Rock near Lake Waramaug.  It was really hard.  I have not exercised that intensely in a very long time.  My mom and I had a long talk last night about everything.  We always seem to end up in a therapy session, but it makes things clearer.  She brought up a very good point that I need to create a routine for the days I am not working, do something that I enjoy, take a class, be more productive.  I agree, again, it is easier for me to just stay at home, but I am done with easy.  I know life is hard and it gets worse before it gets better.  Exercising today was a great step towards a better me because I love hiking and I love embracing natures beauty and I know that exercising makes me feel better.  Here are some photos from my excursion:

What do you have a hard time explaining?

How do you find closure?

What do you do to make yourself feel better?

Tattoos

I have an obsession with tattoos like I have an obsession with food. You know what they say, once you get one your instantly hooked. It's like pretzels or french fries, you just can't have one.  After my first one I got 2 years ago I have been wanting to get more. So I decided today was the day. After much research ( of almost 4 hours) I have decided to go to this place in New Britain that takes walk-ins. It is where my friend kasey it hers done so I figured I would check it out. Impetuous. That is what my aunt said I am. 

This adjective describes me perfectly. If there is something I believe with all my heart or something I want to do with a burning passion I will impulsively act to do whatever it takes to get it done. For example, I wanted a job in the city and I got one (didn't take it on account I want to actually make money this summer), I wanted a new car and I got one, I wanted to sell my stuff and I did it, I wanted bangs so I cut them myself. You can say these things are halfhearted but trust me, I don't do things halfheartedly if I truly believe in them. Same goes for the tattoos I am going to get. I believe in self expression. I am working on not carin what anybody thinks and just working on my impetuous self. I see my impetuous self as a positive characteristic. It shows that I am passionate and that I do have feelings, strong feelings. 

Back to tattoos. I am obsessed. I'm pretty sure my Pinterest board of tattoos has the most pins on it.  But anyways here are the tats I am getting today:

It's an Enso symbol showing that life is an endless journey and the opening means that I am still finding myself and I haven't finished my journey.

A triangle or delta signifying constant change. I will put this on the inside of my right forearm. I need to remember that change is good and that no matter how hard I try I cannot change someone who wishes not to change.

X-XXX-MMVI

Roman numerals of a date that has changed my life for the better and worse.  I will have this one on my right shoulder to always remember what happened, what came of it and to always wear my heart on my sleeve.

I'm feeling excited! Maybe I will get impetuous on my wrist underneath the Enso symbol.

Also my birthday is next weekend and there is supposed to be a super moon. The moon will be the biggest and closest its been in a long time. I also want to get the moon cycles on my back with stylized waves above it and my birthday in Roman numerals underneath them both. 

VI-XXIII-MCMXCI

One more tattoo I will get will be a stylized camino shell on the inside of my right ankle with the date I finished the walk in Roman numerals. 

V-XII-MMXII

Can't wait!

My Relationship with Food

Waking up with the craving to eat the cookie dough in the fridge is not normal.  I know that.  Yet I still give in to the temptation and have a few spoonfuls.  Instant gratification, losing control, guilt, impatience all looming over my head as I close my eyes and swoosh around the wonderfully chewy, sugary, chocolate chip cookie dough in my mouth.  Nothing feels better as it goes in, yet feels horrible seconds after it enters my digestive system.  I anticipate the end result: stomach writhing in pain, expanding waist line, increasing hip size and am affirmed when these appear in a matter of minutes.  Why does it taste so good yet feel so bad?  Why do I enter this vicious cycle of self-loathing when I know exactly what will happen?  Instant gratification.  Escape.  Mindless living.  If life is good, why do I find the need to use food to escape?  What am I hiding from? Being hurt, being let down, fear of the unknown.  This woman seemed to read my thoughts exactly.

A life searching for answers is no life at all.  Accept each day for what it is and move forward.

Bang Bang! We beautiful and dirty rich...

Guess what? I got bangs!  Actually I cut my own bangs...  I have a habit of cutting my own hair and it usually turns out pretty good!

Not bad eh?  Writing on this rainy somber day has given me an excuse to do as little as possible. I chilled this morning, then went to Westport for an appointment with my therapist then drove all the way back to NM to meet with my dad and see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  WOW. This movie was ultra- awesome!  I love Chris Pine.  The comedy he brings to each character he portrays but also his passion and charisma is so great.  And the fact that he's not bad looking doesn't hurt either.  We're going out, he just doesn't know it yet.  There was so much action it was amazing! You all should definitely go see it.

I have been thinking a lot about effort and how much I put into what I am doing with my life and how much I am using to get "better".  I have no issues putting effort into school and work to do well, but when things get tough in activities that usually come easy to me, I just give up.  I seem to have lost my drive to do great things.  Where has it gone?  I know I had it in middle school and high school, but many things have gotten in the way and somehow it has taken flight.  I learned from my walk in spain that if I stick with it and put enough effort in I can complete any task I put my mind to.  Why can't I have that mind set in "real life?  I guess it is just easier to say I will just give up and figure it out, then waiting it out and putting my best effort in.  Also if my heart isn't fully committed, I will be less likely to stick with something.  This is a good way to weed out what I like to do and what I have to do.  I think I should do things I like to do right?

Anyway here are some bangs that I am digging!

happy rainy day!

Also I am thinking I want to bleach my hair...hmmm

What do you want to be when you grow up?

People I want to be like:
Ina garten- food, great ideas for saving time and good advice on how to cook food

Pioneer woman- pictures, food blog

Avant blargh- style

Mom- always work as hard as she does, 

Wendy- be open and always say how you feel

Anthony bourdain- travel, food, writing

Those who know who they are, what they want, and are comfortable financially, emotionally, sexually, physically

What I want to do:
something in fashion
take pictures?
buy clothes
eat food
write about food
travel
write about traveling
take pictures while traveling
travel and eat local food and take pictures
design clothes?
take pictures of clothes?

There are many things I want to do and many people I want to be like.  The most important thing is not changing who I am to be like someone else.  The key is to see people as role models.  Certain qualities and traits that can enhance my quality of life while still encompassing the essence of what it means to be me. And I am still trying to figure that out.  My whole life up to this moment has been the past and I shall waste no more time dwelling on it.  I will take each minute I am alive for what it is and accept those things I am unable to change.

Birthdays and Help

June is my birthday month! I can't even fathom how fast these last 22 years have gone by.  Many wonderful, terrifically difficult, excruciatingly sad, and extremely confusing events that have shaped me into the person that currently walks this earth.  I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason, and though I may not believe it sometimes, I am stronger for it.

Birthdays seem like a silly thing.  Sure you are celebrating the day you began your life in this world, but why should you only celebrate your life one day out of the year?  My goal is to celebrate my life everyday.  Appreciating it in little ways.  Something as simple as saying to myself, you are beautiful and you have so much to offer is vital to my sanity.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am good enough and that I do have a lot to offer.  Life should be celebrated like everyday is your birthday, not a hassle 364 days out of the year.  Sure there will be set backs, but the key is finding light in every setback, finding light in the dark.

In addition to my birthday, my cousin's birthday is tomorrow! He will be 24 years old.  Craziness! Also one of my really great friend Allison's birthday is tomorrow and she will be 22.  I am happy I am getting older because I really do feel like I am getting wiser.  I learn new things about myself everyday. Like this past weekend when I was working at the wienersnitzel restaurant.  I was filling up a big cooler of ice.  I was just going to carry it out to the terrace by myself, even though it would be much easier to ask for help to carry it out.  One of the chefs asked me if I wanted help, but I said no, I didn't need it.  But then he said "I know you don't need it, but you can ask for it".  You can ask for help.  This has resonated with me.  I am just used to not asking for help. Caving, falling, crumbling into myself, self-destruction at its finest.  That way, if I fail, then I am the only one to blame, and no one will be mad at me except for myself.  This is no way to live my life.  You need to ask for help if you need it.  This will make your life and many other people's lives easier.  Instead of running around like a chicken with your head cut off, flailing and chopping other chickens heads off, keeping your head attached is the most important thing.  With your head attached you will be able to find solutions to problems, ask people questions, and ultimately be successful in whatever you are trying to accomplish, like laying eggs and clucking and whatever chickens do.  Ask for help when you need it.  This is a simple concept on paper, but when put into action can surface insecurities that you may want to keep in the back of your mind.  Its important to face these insecurities eventually.  Maybe not all at once, but they need to be addressed or they will keep building until you completely lose yourself.

Asking for help is a simple thing.  Even when you don't need it, ask for it.  This will form strong bonds with people, but also will build your trust and confidence in people.  Those who have wronged you will seem minuscule in comparison to those who have helped you here, and done a little favor for you there.

I am happy to be alive!  Every day is a new day.  I am so excited for tomorrow because I am getting my new car! Woohoo.

What do you have a hard time asking for?
What do you think you need help with?
Why do you need that help?

crazy busy

I have been so busy for the last few days... Okay you caught me, I have been really lazy and tired.  I worked on Friday night then all day Saturday and then all day Sunday.  Needless to say my legs and my feet and still throbbing.  But I have some VERY good news!  I am getting a new car on Wednesday!!!! Its a black 2010 toyota prius!  I got a very very good deal on it from the toyota dealership in New Haven.  I am so thankful that I had my aunt with me to give me moral support and also to have a second pair of eyes watching and ears listening.  Everything seems to be great! I can't wait to pick it up on Wednesday.  This is a big step but I am so ready for it!

Anyways...I got nothing... today was crazy busy running around trying to get everything finalized.

Peace out homies.

baking while baking

 Double chocolate peanut butter oat whole wheat cookies.  Longest name ever...but boy are they appetizing.  I used whole wheat flour, old fashioned oats, hershey's cocoa powder, a mixture of teddy's all natural creamy and chunky peanut butter, and semisweet chocolate chips.  Oh man my mouth is watering just thinking about them.  They smell so delicious, like a reese's peanut butter cup, healthy might I add.  Why am I baking on a day like today?  I just wanted to okay? Jeez. But seriously, I have found baking a great way to pass the time and to use my creativity in different ways.  I didn't have any straight up flour so I used whole wheat.
I find comfort in baking.  Although I was sweating doing it, it is almost a ritual, a way for me to escape.  Just me and my rubber spatula dancing around the kitchen mixing up a delicious concoction.
Serving some wiener tonight so I gotta go!
P.S. the cookies were delectable.

heatwave!

You know when you step outside and your hair immediately frizzes and you get a sweat mustache or you start sweating in those target spots that always sweat before the rest of your body?  That is exactly what happened to me today.  Boy was it hotter than ever.  And to top it off I had to wear a dirndl.  Image wearing a tight corset topped austrian dress for 4 hours in the hottest part of the day.  You could say I was just a little uncomfortable.  I made a conscious effort not to complain and whine about it today because I knew this was exactly how everyone was feeling.  Complaining about something that is clearly established is just counter-productive to the general atmosphere that is just bursting to be productive (a restaurant). I find it really unattractive when someone complains all the time.  It is just unnecessary negativity that is really not healthy for anyone.  This is something I am working on.  Staying positive in the most uncomfortable situations.  Needless to say you will survive the day.  Don't let a silly thing like the weather or a sticky, sweaty dirndl get you down.  It is all about perspective, what is the thing that actually matters.  What mattered today was staying hydrated, working hard and bringing people food.

Expanding on this whole "perspective" thing.  How many times a day do you look at the negative little hassles that plague your everyday activities instead of seeing the light?  It is time to rethink what you are focusing on.  Yes, driving behind an elderly person who is going 15 mph under the speed limit when you are running late can be quite frustrating, but if you had planned better you wouldn't be running late.  Or instead of yelling and beeping at this person to go faster take some deep breaths and think of all the reasons why this person may be going slow.  Maybe they are enjoying their drive.  Maybe they are very cautious.  Maybe they can't see.  Maybe they are lost (physically or in their mind). Whatever the reason, you can't control what they do.  All you can do is sit back, drive your car and worry about what you are doing.  You should focus on what you can control instead of things you can't.  I have serious issues with this! I worry about what is going on around me and get frustrated very easily by things out of my control.  One way to curb this rigidity is by relaxing and letting things go.  Know that everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out in the end.  Life is a journey, not a destination.

Craigslist and selling stuff

Somehow I am not comfortable with random people contacting me to buy my things. How can I trust these people won't take all my money? How can I trust these people period? That is why I look to people I know to trove on the fruits of my buying... Did that make sense? I trust people who I've actually had physical contact with or people I know have has physical contact with. And I've had great success! You know how I was trying to sell my iPad mini, my iPod shuffle and my digital camera? Well I sold them all today!  Not for the price I would have preferred but you have to be open to negotiation especially in this economy. I am super pumped. Selling things you don't need is very liberating! I have a few big items like my long board, my bike and my iPhone that need to go.  The amount I pay for this phone is just ridiculous. Even though I use it all the time, I use it for mostly useless things.  There really is no need for it.  Except for the music aspect but I can listen to the radio. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten rid of my iPod shuffle. Oh well, what's done is done. 

Back to my trust issues because I know you all want to here about those. I'm working on this thing where I don't really care what other people think of me.  I'm just doing what I want to do and trying to find myself. And with this exploration I hope to develop a true sense of self and form close relationships with people I love. It is very hard for me because of things that have happened in the past. With girls in high school all of a sudden not being my friends anymore and not talking to me with no explanation and me just assuming they didn't like me. So I stopped talking to them and things went downhill from there. And obviously with my dad leaving. Two tragic and scarring events that happened at the same time. Two events that have shaped me into the insecure, self-conscious person I am today.  Two events that have made me compare myself to other people constantly.  Two events that have made me question everything I do and think about how my decisions look to other people.  Wow. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted all the time. Well I should probably change that. 

What do you do to build relationships? 

How do you forget the things that happened and move forward?

doing passionate things...necessary or practical?

Well, that was a nice nap.  I guess I was tired.  Time to get to work.

What am I doing to further my passion?

For one thing I am writing, in the form of blogging.  Blogging, I find, is a great way to vent to anyone who will listen and to sort things out in your mind.  I have always felt I could express my feelings through writing so much better than talking them out with someone.  Right now I am mostly blogging about things I want to eat or things I have eaten, fashion I am really digging.  This may test my self control, sometimes I simply cannot resist buying things.  I have to keep reminding myself that I do not need to buy food when there is good food in the house.  Then what should I do? Try recipes for one?  Work with the clothes that I have already? Yes! That is exactly what I should do and I should tell myself that every time I get the urge to go to the store to buy food I don't need.  I will tell myself that every time I get the urge to buy clothes online.  I simply don't need anything.  In fact I am trying to get rid of a lot of my things.  The challenge is to get creative to live my passions.

Reading- I'm not doing that.  I need to read cookbooks, food blogs, fashion blogs, BOOKS.  Who would have thought reading books broadens your mind and gives you inspiration?  Reading will help me gain inspiration from other writers and try and figure out what kind of writing I want to do.  Not to mention it will keep my brain sharp.

Exploring- Dining at different places, traveling to hipster places in NYC.  This presents the money issue that I talked about yesterday.  Do I want to spend money on food that I don't need if it will help me practice writing?  Do I need to go to a restaurant to practice food writing or will following a recipe suffice?  Also going into the city is expensive and now that summer has started I will not have a lot of time to do this.

Watching TV shows- Anthony Bourdain, Ina Garten, Giada at Home
I have been watching Anthony Bourdain because he travels, writes, and eats! Just what I want to do.  I like how he connects with anyone he meets and is anxious to find out more information.  But he has established himself in the food industry.  Do I establish myself in the writing world before I do something like this?

I love reading street style fashion blogs.  I wish to take pictures of millions of hipster people everyday of my life.  But I do have to get out of the house to do that.  Hmmm...tricky situation.

As you can see I have many things to think about.  Obviously I will keep you up to date on my findings.

What is your passion?
What do you do to keep your passion alive?
What are you willing to spend to keep that passion alive?

Money well spent?

Ever since I got a job I have had some issues with money.  No, not debt related issues, spending issues.
The problem is if I have money I will spend it on food and clothes I don't need.  How can I stop this viscous cycle?  Make a savings account that I can't touch?  I don't know but I will try everything in my power to make this summer all about saving.  I will try to eat food that is in the house and wear the perfectly great clothes that I have.  My constant need for newer and "better" things is quite annoying.  I know I don't need anything, but wanting something bad enough kind of takes over my rationale.  I think I spend money to fill a void. I couldn't tell you what that void is, but it think it is that same void that I try to fill with eating food.  What I need to do is just not worry about it.  Let things happen as they may and keep living.

It is a beautiful memorial day, sunny and 75.  And I have to work.  But I am in work mode for the summer.  I have a love-hate relationship with work. I hate how busy and stressful it gets, but I love the pay off.  Seriously, the money is ridiculously good. I am so lucky to have this job and I get to come back every summer.  I hope to work full time into the fall and the winter. Here's to making tons of moola! and saving it...

Short post today because I had to do the millions of dishes in the sink and little chores around the house before my mom comes home today from visiting my brother in VT. Have a happy day!

How do you save money?
What do you do to curb your spending addiction?
What is your favorite memorial day activity?

Ponderings

Random thought:  Why is it that we are always told to smile for photographs?  I personally do not like my teeth and don't like my smile so I would choose not to.  But most people would say I look sad or emotional. Who was the person who determined that one should "smile for the camera"?  Who ever they were did not understand human emotion.  You should always portray how you are feeling in a photograph no matter how ugly, sad, emotional, depressed, or uncomfortable you are.  True feelings make the best and most beautiful photographs.  This realization has is all part of my quest to be comfortable in my own skin.  No more hiding who I truly am and how I am truly feeling.  Expressing my thoughts on this blog and not really caring what anybody thinks is also helping me a lot.

I test drove that prius I posted yesterday.  It was sooooooooo amazing! I absolutely cannot wait to make tons of money this summer and afford a car loan so I can get that baby.  If it was meant to be, it will be there in a month and a half's time.  This car was so smooth on the road, the suspension was very firm and the coolest part was pressing the power button to turn the car on.  I really don't mind that it takes a little time to gain speed, that is the best part of it I think because it is conserving gas that way.  For my height at 6'2" there was tons of room in the front and the back.  I also like the hatchback because there is ample space to put whatever I need in the trunk.  The best part of the prius is that it gets 48-51 mpg.  With all the driving I do an investment in this car will save me so much money on gas.  I also plan on building my credit by getting a credit card.  Anyone have any suggestions on what is a good one?  Discover or American Express?  CAN'T WAIT!

I tried making chocolate chip cookies with cornstarch.  Cornstarch is supposed to make them nice and chewy.

First batch done! I couldn't help but try one...It was a small one so don't worry. It was chewy, not too sweet with the right amount of crunch.  Self-control kick in please!

Second batch in the oven!

They key to keep them nice and chewy is to not bake them over 10 minutes.  For the first batch I think I baked them for too long even though they were chewy.  The second batch I took them out sooner.  Hopefully they are chewier! 

Well I am off to relax a little more before I have to go run around and serve people wienersnitzel.  Have a great night everyone!

Newness

I seem to go through spurts of wanting to purge myself of the "old" me; the out of control eater, the insecure loner, the cookie cutter dresser, the unimaginative creator. This catharsis should be good for me right?  Trying to turn my life around.  But here's a thought, what if I don't need to turn it around? What if all these images of myself are what makes me, me?  Why is it that we focus on all the negatives about ourselves and try to change them instead of embracing all of the negatives and positives?  Embracing these positives will keep hip checking all of those negatives until they get so frustrated that they ask their coach to get taken out of the game (my life).  I agree that there needs to be some limits and some balance(there it is again!) in order to truly be happy.  But it is time to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and use my wisdom to know the difference.  Who would have thought I would be quoting religious doctrine... Not I!  It is time to love every bit of myself and love my life.  It is time to be the person I have always wanted to be.  Right now I don't know who that person is yet but who cares! Instead of anxiously waiting around for a "sign"; a bird flying into a window, or a hawk perched outside my window, or a lunar eclipse (anyone check out the one last night?), or cautiously worrying about what my future will be, doubting my every move, I need to literally take life one minute at a time.  Right now I am working on things I can change.  I got my nails painted:

I have never had blue on my fingers before! I am loving them

I got my hair cut:

It is shorter in the back and longer in front! Love how it looks.

I am maybe getting a new car!

2011 Toyota Prius

I am maybe getting a new attitude as well.  I am going to get an evaluation by a great therapist the week after next.  

There are many exciting things to be done this summer and I plan on completing every thing that I start.  This is going to be a summer of change for the better.  A summer of embracing my flaws and seeing the beauty and worth in myself.  Here's to me!

What do you love about yourself?

Why do you love them?

What do you do to stay positive?

Day to day struggles and the need to overcome them

It's weird thing coming home. I feel I want to go out to dinner every night. As a matter of fact I went out to dinner with my mom last night at a place called Bluu that serves succulently creative burgers and deliciously fishy sushi. My mom had the Tuscan salad the consisted of tomatoes, white beans, Gorgonzola cheese, and fried thinly sliced onion rings with a creamy dressing. I had the crazy dragon roll that is a California roll with avocado and eel on the outside with some awesome, addicting, MSG  brown sauce. They have really good sushi there. I mean really good. Really really good. You should probably go there and get some sushi. 

Dinner almost always turns into a therapy session with my mom.  Probably because she's a therapist in real life.  I mean I walk into it every time! I know its coming and we have meaningless small talk until the dragon rears its ugly head. Once the slightest bit of feelings or emotions squeeze through the cracks of a broken conversation there is no turning back. I had no choice but to dive right in. We talked about personal things such as my parents divorce and how this event has made me very emotionally stuck.  How this event that was completely out of my control has created a compulsive need to control every situation. How this event that was completely out if my control has made me look for comfort in other aspects if my life such as shopping and eating.  Life is all about balance but right now I just cannot seem to find it. Where'd it go? Where are you balance?! How does one go about finding something that has been lost for years?

Making lists and forming routines is my temporary solution to this problem.

things I can't live without:
getting my nails done
getting my hair cut
apples
oranges
tea with honey
a routine

Sunshine

A body of water

The moon

Pictures

Music

Dancing

things I can live without:
candy
brownies

Material things

Self doubt

Self consciousness

Low self esteem

Impatience

A bad mood

Rudeness

things i need to accept:
I'm not perfect.
I should ask for help when i need it.

Love the person I am today and love the person I have yet to be.

Find out who I am and who I want to be 

I don't need to be liked by everybody, the most important thing is to like myself.

I can't control the weather so embrace the rain and the sunshine.

Sometimes people just don't know how to drive and they can't hear you when you scream at them with your windows up to pull over.

Everyone deserves to eat ice cream.

If you smile others will follow your lead.

Patience is a wonderful skill to develop.

I am not the only person on this planet who feels like this, the world does not revolve around me.

Credit is given where credit is due.

I can go on and on but you get the general idea. Very insightful right? Soul searching at its best. One resource that I don't think many people utilize are therapists and counselors.  If you find the right one they can be life changing.  

What helps you get through the day?

What resources do you use to help you figure out your life?

What do you struggle with on a day to day basis?

What do you need to accept in your life?

boredom? choice or inescapable black hole

My mother always told me boredom is a choice.  For years I have dismissed this statement because I am a stubborn, angsty, sometimes lazy, but mostly hopeful 21 year old.  I am hopeful that someone or something interesting will fall out of the sky or magically appear in my life to make my life more interesting.  On days like today where I am just sitting at home, anxiously awaiting the phone call of my  mechanic to tell me how much more money I need to spend on my car to make it somewhat okay to drive.  On days like today where the weather is unexpected and too risky to go out for a walk.  On days like today where I get my stressful work schedule for the weekend.  On days like today where I watch Anthony Bourdain on an illegal video streaming website and dream of someday doing the same thing.  On days like today I "window" shop on etsy, american apparel, and amazon, put things in my cart like I have enough money to buy them and convince myself that I need them.  These all seem like great ways to pass the time right?  Yet I am still bored... Maybe this is because I do most of these things almost every day.  Maybe its because I am impatient and anxious about the future.  Maybe its because I am a creature of habit and rarely go outside of my shell.

It is time I change this.  I need to be more outgoing.  I need to put in the effort.  I need to stay outside my comfort zone until the outside is my comfort zone.  I need to live in the moment, live for today.  I need to take a breath, think things through and take my time.  I have so much time to figure things out and instead of wasting away, I need to start living, I need to be happy.

These are somethings that make me happy:
singing, music, art, photography, traveling, nature, hiking, walking, food, movies, fashion, style, writing, NYC, Boston, independence, mint tea, coffee ice cream, vanilla lattes, chocolate chip cookie dough, money.  Why money you ask? In my mind, money= stability and comfort.  Money provides me with the opportunities to do what I want to do and make a life for myself.  It allows me to be independent.

The funny thing is, sports never crossed my mind when writing this list.  It is funny because I have played sports my whole life.  I stopped doing ballet and dance because I had to choose sports or dance. In high school I tried out for the school play and made it but I couldn't participate because I had always played basketball and it was the last year my coach would be there.  I have been good at sports my whole life so I continued participating because it was familiar to me, and everyone supported all my success.  I don't know when in my career sports became more about other people than myself but it happened.  Maybe it was when I had to choose between dance and sports, maybe it was when I played competitive AAU basketball in New York and was pushing for a college scholarship, maybe it was when I had to choose between the play and basketball in high school, maybe it was when I chose a college that was practical and studied what would get me a good job and then decided to participate in collegiate athletics.  Maybe it was a combination of all these things.  But now what really makes me happy is just stepping on the volleyball court with a group of friends and just playing around.  No pressure, just pure fun.

Living most of my life by other peoples standards, constantly thinking about how people will view the decisions I make, is extremely exhausting.  I find it very hard for me to make decisions and listen to what my heart wants because I haven't for so many years.  I have to accept the choices I have made as me learning what I do not want to do and continue forward.  I am not saying I am going to be anti-everything, but I will try and find my voice again.

What makes you happy?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
What do you do day to day to curb your boredom?
How do you hold onto your individualism?

life is just a pancake experiment

If patience is a virtue, what is impatience?A sin? Hardly, but it does seem hinder my happiness.  For instance today, I wanted to make different types of pancakes. And I did, but by the end of my experiment I tried to will them to cook faster by flipping them too soon.  The result?  You can only image.  Lets just say I need to do some scrubbing.  What is it about instant gratification that seems to be running my life?  I go through spurts of wanting to do something and doing everything I can to do it right then and there.  And then it falls apart and I am left with a deformed, unsatisfactory pancake (so to speak).

Here is the experiment:
If I mix greek yogurt with whole wheat pancake mix then I will get a deliciously healthy pancake because the greek yogurt makes the pancakes light, thin and fluffy.

mix 1/4 cup of brown sugar packed and 2 eggs

mix until combined

then add a bunch of sheesh
Sheesh:
1/4 cup of canola oil or coconut oil
1 cup of greek yogurt (I used light and fit strawberry greek)
2 teaspoons of vanilla
1 cup of milk
Whisk it up!

nice, wet ingredients done.
Lets combine the dry ingredients in a separate bowl.

2 cups of whole wheat flour
2 tablespoons of baking POWDER (not soda)
1/2 teaspoon of salt
5 magic mixing fingers to mix it all up.

Add a little wet to the dry and mix.  Do this until its all mixed together.

There we go! It should be a little "runny" but that will make the pancakes thin and light!

Here is number one, just straight up whole wheat greek yogurt pancake (simple enough right?)

OOOOHHH chocolate chips baby.

ummm I ate that in less than 2 minutes... I'm Emma and I have a chocolate chip pancake addiction.

Next up, Blooby pancakes...delicious and nutritious.


Think this is just a regular pancake? You thought wrong! I added a cinnamon sugar mixture on top to give it a little extra something.  It turned into crunchy sweet wonderfulness in my mouth.

This is where my impatience set it.  I had so much leftover batter so I just poured it all into the pan.  Then I used the left over cinnamon sugar mixture, some chocolate chips and some pecans.  Then I realized I wouldn't be able to flip is gargantuan slice of heaven.  So I waited....and waited... until I couldn't wait any longer!

Then this happened. A pancake omelet.

Then this happened. Messy.
Then I couldn't eat any more.
Needless to say I probably should have made a smaller batch and I probably should have not eaten each trial of my experiment. But otherwise I thought it was pretty successful.
I conclude that if I am patient and think things through I will ultimately find what I am looking for.  If I act on impulsivity the outcome becomes more unpredictable therefore more of a let down when things don't work out.  I have all the time in the world to figure things out.  I just need to take it one day at a time and live in the moment.  Life is about the journey, not the destination.

What do you struggle with on a day to day basis?

Still changing

Hey ya'll.  It has been a while.  And oh how much has changed.  Since my last post I withdrew from NYU, took the rest of the year off from school, went on a 500 mile hike across northern Spain, thought I knew what I wanted to do so I accepted attendance at a state school, joined the track team there, quit the track team and withdrew from that college.  There were bits and pieces in between but that is the general gist of everything that has happened.  Now I am taking this summer to make lots of money.  I hope to, in the winter, attend UMass Amherst University Without Walls program to get my bachelors in journalism studies.  I hope to get some practice by writing everyday on this blog.  Let me know how I am doing.

Let us talk about my hike! It was the most rewarding experience of my life. It is called El Camino de Santiago.  What inspired me to do this was a movie called The Way with Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez.

What a great movie this was!  I literally was just walking around Target in the movie section and came across this gem.  After watching it, I started to plan my trip! Then a month and a half later I was on a plane to Biarritz, France to start my journey.  Spontaneity is so thrilling and exhilarating.  

Okay so more about the actual walk. "The Camino" was originally a pilgrimage to the Apostle John's grave in Santiago, Spain.  For hundred of years, pilgrims have travelled this path from Saint-Jean-Pied-De-Port, France to Santiago de Compostela, Spain to find peace with God or just to find peace with themselves.  Over the years it has developed into a sportive, cultural and spiritual experience.  I figured this would be the best way for me to experience some of another world.  I ventured off by myself, scared shitless, not knowing what to expect.  

Here I am all ready to go!

made it to the train station to go to Saint Jean Pied de Port

on the train

arrived! following some fellow pilgrims

more pilgrims

day one journey!

hardest day of my life...

pamplona plaza of the bulls

cool scuplture in pamplona

my first 40km day...bad choice

the wine fountain.  it was red wine, but I didn't get any or else I would not have made it up the hill!

beautiful sunrise

wow.

yea thats in someone's backyard, nbd.

my feet were struggling.

my heel hurt so badly!

wonderful people that took care of me. Rob the english man looking my way and smiling.

my bed, on leather couches in a hostel.

new shoes that were a life saver!

play me some tunes dude!

a little ways to go.

in atapuerca where the oldest human remains were found.

pilgrims on horseback!

cathedral in burgos

susan from germany, what a lovely woman.

just hanging out in Leon

of course I had to stop by a candy shop.

chocolate croissant

running race through Leon on my day off from walking

the italians made me dinner yet again!

the chef

they let me help :)

the table.

dinner is served, potato and onion soup served over bread and cheese

spaghetti a la carbonara, delicioso!

cruz de ferro, where you leave something behind.

finally found peanut butter!!!

hostel

wonderful people from canada, germany, south africa and holland.

where is the end?? so foggy

O'Cebreiro, second hardest day ever! constant hills, reached the top!

and the storm clears

here comes the sun!

where am i?

girls from VT

dinner with canadians and VT girls

100km left!

dutch ladies I seemed to always run into.

hostel by the river

ahhh soaking my aching feet

what a wonderful day, I definitely got sunburned

dunking

COLD.

Aaron making french toast on our last night before our journey to santiago the next day.

ladies making a wonderful concoction 

maple syrup from VT!

Dinnaaa

dancing in the street

On the hill overlooking santiago

BAM

walking through the arch into the plaza where the cathedral is. emotions are flowing

there it is. I did it!

we hung our flower crowns on the fence of the cathedral

the crew just sitting in awe and amazement

rob the englishman and susan!

I did it!

our little slice of heaven in santiago

the view from our bedroom window at the hostel... I know right?!

breakfast at the parador

mass at the cathedral. no swinging incense unfortunately

the dutch ladies!

Gil, the crazy frenchman

hanging out in the park

amelia is so happy she got some frozen yogurt

wonderful raspberry jam tart amelia made

Made it all the way to the coast by bus.

exploring

beautiful day.

found a spot on the rocks

going to see the sunset at a remote beach

we went down there

he lived in the cave!

there is goes

susans german chocolate delicious concoction

on the bus ride back to santiago

i love these guys.

theres my Compostela! proof that i completed my journey

One of the many things I learned from this pilgrimage was that everything will be alright in the end and that everything happens for a reason.  I learned that you have to live in every second of everyday or else it will just pass you by.  I learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought.  My feet got so bad that I almost gave up.  But I kept going.  Walking through that arch into the plaza where the cathedral was was so fulfilling.  I thought to myself, "I did it, I went on this journey by myself and I completed it."  I learned that I can complete difficult tasks and I can follow through.  I learned that asking for help is okay because not everyone will let you down.  I learned more about myself than any therapy or life experience over here ever taught me.  I plan on doing this many more times down the road.  Anyone wanna come with me?!

What's next you ask?  I have many goals I wish to accomplish this summer/fall:

1. Make money/Save money

2. Sell my car

3. Buy a 2010 Toyota Prius

4. Write

5. Apply to get my journalism degree at UMass Amherst University Without walls program

6. Get more tattoos

7.  Have a tag sale to simplify

What are you planning for the summer?

What life experiences have changed you?